Happy Birthday

Four years ago today a little miracle came in to my life. I didn’t know then how much I would love you. I didn’t know then, how I would wear my heart on my sleeve whenever you were concerned. I didn’t know then how much I would worry over your success and well being. I didn’t know then how much you would enrich my life, I mean, I knew . . . but I didn’t. I didn’t realize how you would make me laugh and smile. I didn’t realize you were going to teach me and help me to grow. There is so many things I didn’t realize back then. I didn’t realize you would be an only child. I didn’t realize that conceiving you was a big miracle. I just didn’t realize . . . but I do now, and I thank God that he blessed us with you.

Today you are 4, and I ask myself where has the time gone? Have I hugged and kissed you enough? Do you feel loved? Do you feel important? Do you realize the important place you have in my heart .... in our family?

How do I prepare you for life? How do I prepare you to be 5 then 6 then 7? As hurricane Katrina ripped up the gulf coast, I held you in my arms and tears ran down my cheeks. I realized then, that life will bring storms I may not be able to protect you from.

please know - I love you,


I’m proud of you.

I’ll always be a cheerleader in your corner.

Happy Birthday Son.

All my Love, Mom

Pirate Birthday Party

Ugh Life

This summer I've experienced a string of emotion. I guess that is what life is all about, but most of it left me reeling. Blogging has taken a back seat.

The down turn in the economy has left the airline I work for cutting jobs, another 1,700 yesterday, which doesn't take into account the thousand positions cut in May. Is it only a matter of time until I'm also out of work?

I've watched some family members make some poor decisions, some financial others that are more life altering and some that we have wanted to ignore for years.

I watched my brother go through alcohol detox. In my sheltered world, I've never seen anything quite so scary. A nurse never left his side. The hallucinations, the odd conversations were unsettling and unnerving. He had massive bruising from being tied to the bed and fighting to get free. The valium, high high doses of valium every 15 - 30 minutes, ten times the amount most alcoholics require. We almost lost him, we still may. How do you take it when the hospital social worker tells you to go home and prepare ... prepare for him to die. I'm not ready, this is one thing I know. He is doing so well right now, if only my will could sustain him.

One of my best friends went through a failed adoption. Life is so unfair.

And then there is Mason, How do I help this little boy succeed?

Thanksgiving Point Gardens

Snowbird

We had the opportunity to go to snowbird and take the tram to the top of the mountain. It was a very beautiful 50 degrees, a dramatic difference form the 90 degrees we had just left. I should have taken a jacket. I would have loved to sit for a long period of time and ponder life. It just wasn't meant to be on this trip.
The picture of our family is, well not the best but it is the only one we asked someone to take.

Fear

Fear - a distressing emotion aroused by an impending pain, danger, etc. 2. a specific instance of such a feeling. 3. excessive anxiety 5. something of which one is afraid of that causes fright 6. to be frightened of
Random house dictionary

Fear,that terriable thing. I have a better understanding of it today.



He was missing, Mason was gone.






How long do you wait before you call for help? How many places do you search? I thought I had just seen him – a minute ago? Or was it two minutes ago? I ran to the stream, a place that he headed once my back was always turned. He wasn’t there . . . I doubled back – My family could tell I was distraught Was it the terror in my eyes? I didn't ask for help, but I desperatly needed help! They immediately began the search. Mason – Mason – Where are you? Mason - Would he answer, or would he hide thinking it was a game? He always wants to play hide and go seek lately. Where did he learn that game? I went to the bathrooms. Empty. He would occasionally run down by himself if he saw a family member headed in that direction. He thinks he is so grown up. I returned to camp and searched above our camp site, overgrown with vegetation, I had found him there several times already … nothing – I looked – everywhere I had found him before – fear – I felt more fear now than I think I have at any time before in my life. The more time that passed it grows in your chest. How was I going to tell Alan I had lost our son??? Alan had only been gone for a couple of hours. How stupid will I look on the news? Why was I thinking that? I felt powerless. I began to cry. Where else do I look? I dropped to my knees and begged God to help me. How long has it been since we started searching? Has it been 5 or 10 minutes? Had it been longer? If he fell into the stream how far would he be now? Where is my phone? Is someone else going to call or am I? Is this real? I can't think, How is it that now when I need to make decisions, good decisions quickly I'm unable to think. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion? What was he wearing? What color was that shirt? Brown pants. Yes brown pants. Why hadn't I put him in bright orange?

"We found him, we found him. Christine found him down by the river."

I think I should have told him how much I love him and how worried I had been. I don’t remember if I said anything. My chest was pounding, my head hurt. I was exhausted. I took his hand lead him back to the tent and found my I pod touch – I put on a Phineas and Ferb Show for him to watch. I laid on the air mattress, All I could think about was getting out of this canyon before I lost him again.

My Sisters, Mom and Dad soon same to check on me, (not all together) Don’t leave they all said. How could I ever do this for the next 24 hours alone? For different reasons, we all left that evening.

I never thought to ask Christine where she had found him. She later told me she found him in a ravine, about 3 campsites down, next to the river. The ravine was in a v shape and it was taller than he was. He was unable to stand up due to the angle and with the steep slope he was unable to get out. He was crying and afraid.
“I’m lost, Where’s my mommy.”



A day later my heart still races when I think about it.

To read more about this check out the other post.

Family camp out

We had a family mid-week camping trip planned. We were going to a place called The Spruces. Most people around here know of it, if they haven’t stayed there themselves. It has been several years for us, since our family had last stayed. A couple of days before the trip I decided to upgraded our camping site from one that accommodates 12 people to a larger site across the road that easily accommodates 24 people. I kept the site in the same general location that we had before. I was so proud of myself! We had a campsite that was towards the back, - that way the kids could climb up the mountain (that was a far better choice than being by the river.)

It turned out I found the campsite map to be a little confusing. (I even took the survey telling them how wonderful the site was.) As Alan and I looked at it together a day before we were to check in, he informed me I had upgraded right next to the river. He wasn’t happy at all! He didn’t want us to be close to the river. All the children going, all 13 would be under age 11. Alan would only be with me for part of the time. Alan was planning on getting off work and joining us in the canyon. He would have to leave by about 10:30 am the next morning to get cleaned up and then go back to work. I would have Mason the rest of the day and the next night. This trip was going to be a lot of first's for Mason, His first time sleeping in the mountains, in a tent … His first time sleeping away from home – away from his bed.







I tried to be prepared with things that would keep him occupied. A coloring book – trucks to drive around, and a ton of various toys. Nothing worked. He would vanish that fast. I didn’t feel like I was pulling my weight of the responsibility. I didn’t have a choice. I had to keep an eye on him. One minute he would be there the next he was gone. I was so happy when Alan arrived the first night. I had only been on duty by myself for a couple of hours and I was already exhausted. It was easier when Alan was around, I must have relaxed and let him take care of most of the chasing. They walked and walked and walked. There were so many things Mason wanted to see and discover. Alan does a lot to help out with Mason. More than I sometimes give him credit for.


The camp out was a lot of fun. Despite my new blood pressure problem (Mason getting lost.)





Here are a few cute pictures of the family.

Ink

I’m always amazed with the amount of ink I seem to go through on the printer. Alan always seems amazed too. It seems like there is always something that needs to be printed out, if not for myself then for scouts. We have a printer that takes 5 ink cartridges. Honestly, we should have a printer that only prints in black, but I wanted a printer that I could also use to print pictures with. Normally Ink costs us about $100.00. Right now it just seems like that was a lot of money. I have the next month off with out pay. It will be great to be home with Mason, but money will be a more tight than usual.
A week ago we had a blessing happen in our lives. Alan had a feeling to stop at a yard sale. I didn’t want to stop, yard sales equal me and Mason sitting in a hot car with both of us upset by the end. Alan says he will always “Be just a minute.” We calculate time differently, I go by a watch. After what seemed like forever he approached the car with an armful – A printer? We have a very nice printer, why would he buy another printer that didn’t look as nice as the one that we already owned? I was beside myself. When he got into the car he said “See, I had a feeling I should stop.” What do I say to that? My first unsaid reaction was if you want to throw away $10.00 , you could just give it to me. It turns out the printer takes the same cartridges that we needed for our printer (They were about half full) plus the printer came with an entire set of extra cartridges that had never been opened. This is a blessing in or lives. Often my prayers are filled with needs and sometimes with wants. Ink would never make the list. Or should it? Maybe it’s a chance, but I see it as a blessing from one who knows my needs, even needs that are trivial. As Alan put it “I had a feeling I needed to stop. I really did.”

Choices

I was reading a book when Maosn approached - “Mom, we need to make good choices. Everyone needs to make good choices.”

I said - “Yes, you are right.

Mason - “Mommy, even you need to make good choices . . . I want a Popsicle.”

Life's lessons

Lessons, life is funny about that, right when we feel we are comfortably on the right path some small comment will show far we still have to go. In this case as a family we were headed out the door to do a little shopping. We wanted to stop by a thrift store, a guilty pleasure, and then we needed to pick up a birthday present. Mason had been invited to attend a birthday party for the daughter of a coworker. It was at a time we had a prior commitment, Sydney’s Baptism. As we were in the car Mason asked where we were going, I told him to the thrift store and then I explained that he had been invited to birthday party but he wouldn’t be able to attend so we were going to go and buy a present so he could still give her something. (I never should have broken it to him like that.) I told him that his cousin was going to be baptized and explained that he was following the example of Jesus and that we were going to go to the baptism. It was quite for a moment, he was looking out the window, so I asked “Mason, when you grow up do you want to follow Jesus?” His response “No, I want to go to the birthday party.”

I found myself thinking about life and the lessons they teach, lesson we many want and others that catch us by surprise. Do I get caught up in the things of the world? Or do I follow the quiet promptings of my heart that leads me down a different path?

Goals

That Which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing has changed, but our power to do so is increased. Emerson

I keep this quote in my scriptures, reading them is not something I'm necessarily good at. I should post it on the treadmill and the refrigerator too.


Like all goals some are more cumbersome. The more I persist the easier they become.

Accidents happen

I try to keep a clean house, granted like most homes, mine gets dirty too, despite what a few of my sisters may think. Growing up being the oldest of seven children, something was always out of place. Back then it seemed like it was a much bigger deal than I realize it to be now, maybe the realization comes through age or maturity?
Although, I don’t remember the exact circumstances that brought Kimmie, my niece, to our home one evening a couple of years ago, I do remember the spaghetti we were having for dinner, and the important lesson I’ve carried in my heart since. I was lazy and left the pots on the stove. I dished up Kimmie’s spaghetti and sauce and placed her plate on the counter. (I’m still amazed with how much she can eat.) It was her job to carry the FULL plate from the counter to the table, all she needed to do was to pick up the plate, turn around and walk less than 3 feet and sit at the table. As she did this, the noodles and sauce slipped from the plate and splattered in a heap onto the floor, the cupboards and dishwasher were speckled. My clean, freshly mopped kitchen floor! the kitchen rug would never be the same. Before I had a chance to think, let alone react. She said: “Like my mom always say’s, accidents happen.” I was shocked, a little anger was growing ever so slowly . . . of all the things to say, no I’m sorry? … Dumbfounded I said “What else does you mom always say?” It was about this time that I realized this is no big deal, yes, it was a mess, it needed to be cleaned up, but it was not intentional. I continued: “If that’s what your mom says, she probably knows it’s true.”

This “accident” has blessed my life. I believe it was a blessing from the Lord to understand this simple principle before I would need it on a daily basis. It has helped me to be a better parent. When accidents happen, which they always do, I’m able to handle the situation differently than I may have if I had not received this precious gem. Sometimes Mason will start to cry, does he expect me to be angry? Maybe it’s the chocolate milk that was tipped over at the table, or mud tracked across the floor, “Was it an accident?” “Yes, mama, yes it was.” “Its ok son, accidents happen. Let’s clean it up.”

An End or a Beginning?

(I wrote this several weeks ago.)

I think back to when it began, it hasn’t been very long, a couple of years at most. I felt guilty at first – It was an unnecessarily pleasure and I knew it. I felt it was a little frivolous but I completely justified it and more or less immersed myself in it. It was the first of a lifetime and I was making up for some lost time. How long can justification out weigh reality? Slowly the newness wore off and I enjoyed it less and less until I would go weeks, eventually months without it. (This description also applies to the treadmill too, but that’s hasn’t gone anywhere.) It was then I realized that it must go. So it has, the direct T.V. Is gone, and although we have a T.V. we have no programming coming into our home. Is this an end or a beginning?
I do miss it a little bit, but I don’t miss it at all either. I never watched it. I would hear others say “did you see so and so” or watch “such and such” and I was always clueless. Mason on the other hand loved having shows like Dora, Diego, Phineas and Ferb, and Curious George always available. He will say “mom, will you put on a show?” But . . . he hasn’t seemed to notice it’s gone either. We do have some DVD’s. I wonder how Alan will feel when the NBA season is underway? Will it matter? Direct T.V. tried really hard to keep us, 9 calls in one day, numerous letters. I give them credit for trying, but we were a lot cause. We never even redeemed the free movie coupon that they sent us. *sigh*


(I wrote this today.)
I never missed it . . . until today, when I heard it was Jay Leno’s last show. I thought “I’d like to see that,” And then I realized I wouldn’t be able to watch it, even if I wanted too.

A Shooting Star Moment

We had a situation I’ll call a shooting star moment, I came up with that analogy at 3 in the morning so hopefully when I’m coherent I’ll still think it’s witty and applicable. I’ve always loved shooting stars. A shooting star moment is a moments of sheer brilliance, that seem to come out of nowhere, moments that leave us in awe, and then seem to disappear just as quickly as they arrived.

I’m sure this is just a coincidence, but as we were entering the cemetery to place flowers on my sister-in-laws’ grave. Mason said “Look, it says no dogs allowed.” I had been off in my own world. Had Alan told him that? Had I missed something? I responded still trying to grasp the situation “Yes, yes, you’re right it does say not dogs allowed, smarty pants.” He was thrilled and grinned from ear to ear. I kept thinking how does he know that? He has been learning the words to Hey diddle, diddle. Could this be it? Maybe?
This happened on a Friday, and was shortly dismissed. On Saturday we were leaving our neighborhood, a neighbor was having a yard sale and asked if we had seen any of his yard sale signs. We hadn’t been out yet, so as we approached the corner we took an extra couple of moments to comment that you couldn’t miss the yard sale signs. It was then Mason said “Look, it says Trail Avenue.” He knows his address, but he has never been told that small green street sign identified our street name. It was ever so brief I’ve watched for it since, “the shooting star moment” to reappear, it hasn’t, probably merely coincidences, but my “shooting star moment” non the least, he teaches me how to look at the world differently. I’m so thankful for that.

Children are a heritage of the Lord.

SLC Connect Pass

My sister told me about this pass,I think that we will try to take advantage of it. There is a cost, but still may be a good value it you are staying home for vacation and want to do a lot of stuff. I wish we would have know about this pass last Thursday! We would have done more and saved money.

I'm not savey enough to have a link, so here is the site.

http://www.visitsaltlake.com/visit/activities/connect_pass/

Not quite as good as the Community Exploration pass issued through the libary since that pass is free.

Our Whirlwind Weekend

Since I was on vacation, Alan also took a couple of days off over the already long Holiday weekend. He was off Friday through Tuesday. After a short deliberation we decided to stay at home, and take little day excursions. This was our scheduled plan:

Friday – Go to the Cemetery and go to Wheeler Farm
Saturday – Go swimming at the Rec-Center and enjoy the indoor play ground. Plant flowers in the evening.
Sunday – Attend church, and go over reunion plans with the family at family dinner.
Monday – Go to the Aviary and in the evening find a park with an awesome play area.
Tuesday – Go to the zoo and do cub scouts (which we normally do on Tuesday.) It was irnonic I chose this day for the zoo, thinking that it would be a little more calm than any other day. It was field trip day! I've never seem so many children packed in there before. The parking lot looked tranquil with no busses in site. We even parked close to the enterance, the best parking spot I've ever had at the zoo. Mason wanted to be just like the big kids,run free and go where he wanted verses, hold our hand and stay together. It made for a few dramatic moments. Our scouts were even at the zoo too, what a Suprise.

All in all, it was a whirlwind weekend. It was nice just to do things together as a family. Be thankful for our freedoms and not spend very much money. YEA.

Mason would say . . . “What are we going to do next.”He will have a hard time adjusting back to our slower paced life. He likes to be on the go. He would often say “I don’t want to go home.” I think that is because at home there is no one to play with.

Memorial day - Thank You!

Memorial Day is a day to remember, and I found my thoughts lingering on our freedoms, I’m thankful for them, I thankful for the service men and women who sacrifice to ensure them. I’m thankful … very, very thankful.

"You're Fired"

“You're fired”, is a phrase that my family coined long before Donald Trump made it famous. Once it became popular I did my best to refrain from using it. We had been saying this phrase off and on again for years, but suddenly it felt like we were just using the hottest catchy phrase.

With out thinking, and after a particular long frustrating day I muttered “You're fired” to Mason. He instantly began to cry, big alligator tears. I didn't think the remark was all that bad, I surely didn't think that it warranted the response it received. After several minutes I finally asked him why he was crying. I didn't get any further than tears. I put my arms around him, told him that I loved him and ask : “What do you think “you're fired” means?” His response “I have to find a new family.” It broke my heart. It was clearly not what I had intended.

I've thought a lot about this since it happened. I've thought about areas in my life where I have fallen short and deserved to “Be fired.” I'm so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who stands by me when I make poor decisions, Who stands by me when I deserve to “Be Fired,” Who beckons : “Come unto me” When I have been somewhat distant.

Hints

I've found that before Christmas, an Anniversary or a Birthday I usually start dropping hints about possible gifts I wouldn't mind receiving, money is always nice. I don't want Alan to give me an exercise ball with out my approval, I can't see that situation being beneficial for either of us. Yes, If I don't drop the rights hints, everything seems to go horribly aray. Even with the right hints you never know what is in store. Last anniversary I was given an i pod touch. I love it. It's introduced me to the world of you tube. I didn't realize then, that the i pod touch was also going to be my birthday present 6 months later. I think somehow I should have been warned. I would of scaled back on the gift I had given him 2 weeks earlier. Just kidding, kinda. In all fairness, I don't think he meant for this to happen, but, it did. After 2 reminders, and 53 days it's time to give up. I chalk my favorite birthday gift up to a water bottle a coworker gave me. I really do love it.
It seems Mason has picked up on this knack of trying to drop hints, Mason loves gardening,flowers and plants. A couple of days ago the boys were out together and he went for the gusto. He ask for a garden wagon. That doesn't sound bad right? The Boys were in the truck and Alan started asking the find out questions. "Tell me about this garden wagon?"
What you and I know as a landscaping truck drove by. This was one with the monster trailers - at least 10 lawnmowers, 5 weed whackers etc. Mason said: "That one, I want one just like that." Later in the evening I asked Mason about this "garden wagon" I ask him who was going to drive the truck? His reply . . . "Mom, we don't need a truck, we will park it (the trailer) out front." The conversation also revealed that the tool compartment is loaded full of seeds. Everyone always tells me how expensive children are.

What is he going to want when he's 5?

Fear

One of my favorite quotes is “Fear makes strangers of people who should be friends.”
I’ve long forgotten who wrote it, but I love it, I know it’s true. I find that even in the world of blogging – I often choose not to post comments, not that I don’t have any thing to share, or words of encouragement to offer, but out of fear. Yes, I know – Fear of What?
While I was in Switzerland I would always smile and say hello to people that I passed. One day, as we were returning from the market, I passed an older woman working in the yard. I smiled said Grutizi, and continued on my way. I had walked the length of her yard (having a yard is very, very uncommon) She called me back, and explained that she had forgotten who I was. I explained that we didn’t know one another, and that I just wanted to wish her well. She seemed quite relieved and I continued on my way. In this small community people normally would only greet one another when they were an acquaintance. It was true in that little town, and It’s true in our everyday lives.
“Fear makes strangers of people who should be friends.”

Care Free

I’ve thought about posting this for several days now, but in the end decided why not.If we all had a chance to be a little bit happier, a little more go lucky-ish, more care free what kind of world would we have?

Would we enjoy the wind in our hair, and the sun on our back, imitation wool between out toes?

Fortunately for me, I found him out back. What would the neighbors say? Maybe for reasons like these the houses on both sides of us are up for sale. LOL

This is for you Dylan , thanks for asking.

The progress of our garden via pictures, you can't see the pumpkins, watermelon, onions, herbs, raspberries or sunflowers.