Fear

Fear - a distressing emotion aroused by an impending pain, danger, etc. 2. a specific instance of such a feeling. 3. excessive anxiety 5. something of which one is afraid of that causes fright 6. to be frightened of
Random house dictionary

Fear,that terriable thing. I have a better understanding of it today.



He was missing, Mason was gone.






How long do you wait before you call for help? How many places do you search? I thought I had just seen him – a minute ago? Or was it two minutes ago? I ran to the stream, a place that he headed once my back was always turned. He wasn’t there . . . I doubled back – My family could tell I was distraught Was it the terror in my eyes? I didn't ask for help, but I desperatly needed help! They immediately began the search. Mason – Mason – Where are you? Mason - Would he answer, or would he hide thinking it was a game? He always wants to play hide and go seek lately. Where did he learn that game? I went to the bathrooms. Empty. He would occasionally run down by himself if he saw a family member headed in that direction. He thinks he is so grown up. I returned to camp and searched above our camp site, overgrown with vegetation, I had found him there several times already … nothing – I looked – everywhere I had found him before – fear – I felt more fear now than I think I have at any time before in my life. The more time that passed it grows in your chest. How was I going to tell Alan I had lost our son??? Alan had only been gone for a couple of hours. How stupid will I look on the news? Why was I thinking that? I felt powerless. I began to cry. Where else do I look? I dropped to my knees and begged God to help me. How long has it been since we started searching? Has it been 5 or 10 minutes? Had it been longer? If he fell into the stream how far would he be now? Where is my phone? Is someone else going to call or am I? Is this real? I can't think, How is it that now when I need to make decisions, good decisions quickly I'm unable to think. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion? What was he wearing? What color was that shirt? Brown pants. Yes brown pants. Why hadn't I put him in bright orange?

"We found him, we found him. Christine found him down by the river."

I think I should have told him how much I love him and how worried I had been. I don’t remember if I said anything. My chest was pounding, my head hurt. I was exhausted. I took his hand lead him back to the tent and found my I pod touch – I put on a Phineas and Ferb Show for him to watch. I laid on the air mattress, All I could think about was getting out of this canyon before I lost him again.

My Sisters, Mom and Dad soon same to check on me, (not all together) Don’t leave they all said. How could I ever do this for the next 24 hours alone? For different reasons, we all left that evening.

I never thought to ask Christine where she had found him. She later told me she found him in a ravine, about 3 campsites down, next to the river. The ravine was in a v shape and it was taller than he was. He was unable to stand up due to the angle and with the steep slope he was unable to get out. He was crying and afraid.
“I’m lost, Where’s my mommy.”



A day later my heart still races when I think about it.

To read more about this check out the other post.