Ugh Life

This summer I've experienced a string of emotion. I guess that is what life is all about, but most of it left me reeling. Blogging has taken a back seat.

The down turn in the economy has left the airline I work for cutting jobs, another 1,700 yesterday, which doesn't take into account the thousand positions cut in May. Is it only a matter of time until I'm also out of work?

I've watched some family members make some poor decisions, some financial others that are more life altering and some that we have wanted to ignore for years.

I watched my brother go through alcohol detox. In my sheltered world, I've never seen anything quite so scary. A nurse never left his side. The hallucinations, the odd conversations were unsettling and unnerving. He had massive bruising from being tied to the bed and fighting to get free. The valium, high high doses of valium every 15 - 30 minutes, ten times the amount most alcoholics require. We almost lost him, we still may. How do you take it when the hospital social worker tells you to go home and prepare ... prepare for him to die. I'm not ready, this is one thing I know. He is doing so well right now, if only my will could sustain him.

One of my best friends went through a failed adoption. Life is so unfair.

And then there is Mason, How do I help this little boy succeed?

Thanksgiving Point Gardens

Snowbird

We had the opportunity to go to snowbird and take the tram to the top of the mountain. It was a very beautiful 50 degrees, a dramatic difference form the 90 degrees we had just left. I should have taken a jacket. I would have loved to sit for a long period of time and ponder life. It just wasn't meant to be on this trip.
The picture of our family is, well not the best but it is the only one we asked someone to take.

Fear

Fear - a distressing emotion aroused by an impending pain, danger, etc. 2. a specific instance of such a feeling. 3. excessive anxiety 5. something of which one is afraid of that causes fright 6. to be frightened of
Random house dictionary

Fear,that terriable thing. I have a better understanding of it today.



He was missing, Mason was gone.






How long do you wait before you call for help? How many places do you search? I thought I had just seen him – a minute ago? Or was it two minutes ago? I ran to the stream, a place that he headed once my back was always turned. He wasn’t there . . . I doubled back – My family could tell I was distraught Was it the terror in my eyes? I didn't ask for help, but I desperatly needed help! They immediately began the search. Mason – Mason – Where are you? Mason - Would he answer, or would he hide thinking it was a game? He always wants to play hide and go seek lately. Where did he learn that game? I went to the bathrooms. Empty. He would occasionally run down by himself if he saw a family member headed in that direction. He thinks he is so grown up. I returned to camp and searched above our camp site, overgrown with vegetation, I had found him there several times already … nothing – I looked – everywhere I had found him before – fear – I felt more fear now than I think I have at any time before in my life. The more time that passed it grows in your chest. How was I going to tell Alan I had lost our son??? Alan had only been gone for a couple of hours. How stupid will I look on the news? Why was I thinking that? I felt powerless. I began to cry. Where else do I look? I dropped to my knees and begged God to help me. How long has it been since we started searching? Has it been 5 or 10 minutes? Had it been longer? If he fell into the stream how far would he be now? Where is my phone? Is someone else going to call or am I? Is this real? I can't think, How is it that now when I need to make decisions, good decisions quickly I'm unable to think. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion? What was he wearing? What color was that shirt? Brown pants. Yes brown pants. Why hadn't I put him in bright orange?

"We found him, we found him. Christine found him down by the river."

I think I should have told him how much I love him and how worried I had been. I don’t remember if I said anything. My chest was pounding, my head hurt. I was exhausted. I took his hand lead him back to the tent and found my I pod touch – I put on a Phineas and Ferb Show for him to watch. I laid on the air mattress, All I could think about was getting out of this canyon before I lost him again.

My Sisters, Mom and Dad soon same to check on me, (not all together) Don’t leave they all said. How could I ever do this for the next 24 hours alone? For different reasons, we all left that evening.

I never thought to ask Christine where she had found him. She later told me she found him in a ravine, about 3 campsites down, next to the river. The ravine was in a v shape and it was taller than he was. He was unable to stand up due to the angle and with the steep slope he was unable to get out. He was crying and afraid.
“I’m lost, Where’s my mommy.”



A day later my heart still races when I think about it.

To read more about this check out the other post.

Family camp out

We had a family mid-week camping trip planned. We were going to a place called The Spruces. Most people around here know of it, if they haven’t stayed there themselves. It has been several years for us, since our family had last stayed. A couple of days before the trip I decided to upgraded our camping site from one that accommodates 12 people to a larger site across the road that easily accommodates 24 people. I kept the site in the same general location that we had before. I was so proud of myself! We had a campsite that was towards the back, - that way the kids could climb up the mountain (that was a far better choice than being by the river.)

It turned out I found the campsite map to be a little confusing. (I even took the survey telling them how wonderful the site was.) As Alan and I looked at it together a day before we were to check in, he informed me I had upgraded right next to the river. He wasn’t happy at all! He didn’t want us to be close to the river. All the children going, all 13 would be under age 11. Alan would only be with me for part of the time. Alan was planning on getting off work and joining us in the canyon. He would have to leave by about 10:30 am the next morning to get cleaned up and then go back to work. I would have Mason the rest of the day and the next night. This trip was going to be a lot of first's for Mason, His first time sleeping in the mountains, in a tent … His first time sleeping away from home – away from his bed.







I tried to be prepared with things that would keep him occupied. A coloring book – trucks to drive around, and a ton of various toys. Nothing worked. He would vanish that fast. I didn’t feel like I was pulling my weight of the responsibility. I didn’t have a choice. I had to keep an eye on him. One minute he would be there the next he was gone. I was so happy when Alan arrived the first night. I had only been on duty by myself for a couple of hours and I was already exhausted. It was easier when Alan was around, I must have relaxed and let him take care of most of the chasing. They walked and walked and walked. There were so many things Mason wanted to see and discover. Alan does a lot to help out with Mason. More than I sometimes give him credit for.


The camp out was a lot of fun. Despite my new blood pressure problem (Mason getting lost.)





Here are a few cute pictures of the family.

Ink

I’m always amazed with the amount of ink I seem to go through on the printer. Alan always seems amazed too. It seems like there is always something that needs to be printed out, if not for myself then for scouts. We have a printer that takes 5 ink cartridges. Honestly, we should have a printer that only prints in black, but I wanted a printer that I could also use to print pictures with. Normally Ink costs us about $100.00. Right now it just seems like that was a lot of money. I have the next month off with out pay. It will be great to be home with Mason, but money will be a more tight than usual.
A week ago we had a blessing happen in our lives. Alan had a feeling to stop at a yard sale. I didn’t want to stop, yard sales equal me and Mason sitting in a hot car with both of us upset by the end. Alan says he will always “Be just a minute.” We calculate time differently, I go by a watch. After what seemed like forever he approached the car with an armful – A printer? We have a very nice printer, why would he buy another printer that didn’t look as nice as the one that we already owned? I was beside myself. When he got into the car he said “See, I had a feeling I should stop.” What do I say to that? My first unsaid reaction was if you want to throw away $10.00 , you could just give it to me. It turns out the printer takes the same cartridges that we needed for our printer (They were about half full) plus the printer came with an entire set of extra cartridges that had never been opened. This is a blessing in or lives. Often my prayers are filled with needs and sometimes with wants. Ink would never make the list. Or should it? Maybe it’s a chance, but I see it as a blessing from one who knows my needs, even needs that are trivial. As Alan put it “I had a feeling I needed to stop. I really did.”

Choices

I was reading a book when Maosn approached - “Mom, we need to make good choices. Everyone needs to make good choices.”

I said - “Yes, you are right.

Mason - “Mommy, even you need to make good choices . . . I want a Popsicle.”